The Beginning
When I say 'The Beginning,' this clearly isn't the moment when I decided it was time to properly discern things now - as if all my previous decisions hadn't been discerned but just made on the spot...Discernment is a lifelong process, and is something we do every day.
From a Christian point of view, 'Discernment can describe the process of determining God's desire in a situation or for one's life or identifying the true nature of a thing, such as discerning whether a thing is good, evil...' (Wikipedia)
I really like how Ann Yeong explains it on the Archdiocese of Singapore website:
So, when I say 'The Beginning,' while I know there are many moments for, and ways of discerning out there, this blog is specifically focusing on my discernment of a Vocation to Religious Life.
This is the moment when I realised that my desire for more, the feeling that I could be doing more, living more, was a desire God had placed in my heart himself.
This is the moment where I was so attentive and relaxed in God's loving presence, that I was open enough to hear Him calling to my heart, calling me to consider Religious Life.
This is the moment where I was so peaceful in His presence that I actually allowed myself to dream about what that might be like.
And this is the moment that has brought me to where I am at today.
At camp, they have a place called the 'Prayer Room' where you can go at any time, take the cover of the Blessed Sacrament, and just be in Adoration. I don't know why, but this camp, I felt particularly called to this little room, to spend time with Jesus.
It was the fourth day of camp (April 19th I think), and I was sitting in the Prayer Room, sobbing (don't know why - maybe I was overwhelmed, worried about my upcoming talk, or just feeling so unworthy but appreciative of His love).
Eventually I had the courage to reach out and touch Jesus - to touch the monstrance, and rest my head on it and hug it (not sure if that's even allowed...but oops I've done it!). I think I pictured the base of the monstrance as Jesus' feet, and I was resting my head on His feet. I sat back, and every time I closed my eyes, I pictured Him sitting there in front of me, looking at me lovingly. I was sitting at His feet, like Mary did, and reminded again of His Real Presence in the Blessed Sacrament.
And while in that beautiful moment, I heard a voice very clearly.
My note in my journal just say's 'He asked me to be a nun...!?!?!? + I feel so at peace about it...'
Actually I think He said it even more clearly than that - 'You are going to be a Nun.'
No pressure or anything!! And I know I have free will, so although it was worded that way I feel peaceful and still in control - I know I still have a choice. It's not like God said I will so I will...if that makes any sense at all!
This was both terrifying and beautiful. I'd thought about Religious Life before, but always brushing it off, thinking things like 'I could never leave my family. I couldn't give up so much! I love children and could see myself as a mother.' And those doubts were still running through my mind in this moment. But I also felt so peaceful about it. And for me, that is one small sign that this really was God speaking to me.
A couple of things I wrote down from this time were:
And while I was resting, lying prostrate on the ground, I got an image of me as a nun doing the same thing - lying flat, face down at the feet of the Lord. You know how priests do when they're becoming priests? I believe nuns do the same thing at some point. Anyway...God certainly followed through on Fr Kev's words for me earlier that day!
He prayed with me, and said I should start writing a list of my 'dream sisterhood/order,' just like you'd write a list of what your dream man would be like. He also suggested I talk with my dad about it, who was ministering with me at this camp too.
I mentioned it to dad, and He was so happy, and I was so happy, and we were so happy and it was just such a beautiful moment! I bumped into him later on that day and he said 'I hope you don't mind, but I've already called mum and told her...'
I only learnt afterwards that it's suggested that you don't tell many people, because it could influence your discernment - you might feel pressured to follow through. But I don't regret telling my Dad! If this is going to happen, I want to have his love and support the whole way through!
Finally, on the last day of camp, my whole family came to pick us up, and Fr Kev, my mum and my dad prayed with me about this all. I wrote down two things from this time of prayer:
As if I needed any more encouragement that this was definitely God speaking to me, that was it! Only He could orchestrate something so perfectly! Only He could plan a way for me hear a call to Religious Life exactly around Vocation Sunday!
So, if you're still with me after that loooong explanation...that was my beginning!
I'm aware that this call to Religious Life is different for every single person. So if you haven't experienced something like this, that is totally OK! It could be a clear word from the Lord, or something someone says to you. It could be a time of prayer, or someone you meet who plants this seed in you. Or something entirely different!
Rest assured that God works in His own time, in His own perfect way, and He knows exactly what we need and when. If you've felt a call, or you're not sure yet, just trust in Him!
I'll leave you with this verse that I love
What is Discernment?
Google says discernment is 'the ability to judge well.'From a Christian point of view, 'Discernment can describe the process of determining God's desire in a situation or for one's life or identifying the true nature of a thing, such as discerning whether a thing is good, evil...' (Wikipedia)
Discernment is the process by which we come to know what is in God’s heart and discover to our amazement that it is what is in our own hearts as well. Discernment is a loving and attentive listening to the One we love more than anyone and anything in the world so that He can unveil for us our deepest desires – the very desires that He had planted. Discernment is the wonderful process of letting God dream His dream in us and finding that He has made us co-dreamers with him.As Catholics, we most commonly hear the word 'discernment' when someone is talking about the big 'V' Vocations - marriage, religious life, or the consecrated single life.
So, when I say 'The Beginning,' while I know there are many moments for, and ways of discerning out there, this blog is specifically focusing on my discernment of a Vocation to Religious Life.
This is the moment when I realised that my desire for more, the feeling that I could be doing more, living more, was a desire God had placed in my heart himself.
This is the moment where I was so attentive and relaxed in God's loving presence, that I was open enough to hear Him calling to my heart, calling me to consider Religious Life.
This is the moment where I was so peaceful in His presence that I actually allowed myself to dream about what that might be like.
And this is the moment that has brought me to where I am at today.
The 'Moment'
It was 2018 and I was at a youth camp called 'Jesus 4 Real,' which has been a huge part of my faith journey and my relationship with the Lord ever since 2012. |
| In the Jesus 4 Real Prayer Room |
It was the fourth day of camp (April 19th I think), and I was sitting in the Prayer Room, sobbing (don't know why - maybe I was overwhelmed, worried about my upcoming talk, or just feeling so unworthy but appreciative of His love).
Eventually I had the courage to reach out and touch Jesus - to touch the monstrance, and rest my head on it and hug it (not sure if that's even allowed...but oops I've done it!). I think I pictured the base of the monstrance as Jesus' feet, and I was resting my head on His feet. I sat back, and every time I closed my eyes, I pictured Him sitting there in front of me, looking at me lovingly. I was sitting at His feet, like Mary did, and reminded again of His Real Presence in the Blessed Sacrament.
And while in that beautiful moment, I heard a voice very clearly.
My note in my journal just say's 'He asked me to be a nun...!?!?!? + I feel so at peace about it...'
Actually I think He said it even more clearly than that - 'You are going to be a Nun.'
No pressure or anything!! And I know I have free will, so although it was worded that way I feel peaceful and still in control - I know I still have a choice. It's not like God said I will so I will...if that makes any sense at all!
This was both terrifying and beautiful. I'd thought about Religious Life before, but always brushing it off, thinking things like 'I could never leave my family. I couldn't give up so much! I love children and could see myself as a mother.' And those doubts were still running through my mind in this moment. But I also felt so peaceful about it. And for me, that is one small sign that this really was God speaking to me.
The 'Moment' Pt. 2
Prayer is an important aspect of J4R camps, and later on that day (I think...), I was prayed over by Father Kevin Connors (he's amazing!! So joyful and a constant reminder of what it means to live life to the full!).A couple of things I wrote down from this time were:
- Thank you for giving me your everything
- I will give you visions to help you know where you'll go
And while I was resting, lying prostrate on the ground, I got an image of me as a nun doing the same thing - lying flat, face down at the feet of the Lord. You know how priests do when they're becoming priests? I believe nuns do the same thing at some point. Anyway...God certainly followed through on Fr Kev's words for me earlier that day!
Family
Soon after, I confided in Fr Kev what had been going on that day, and he was like "yeah, I knew it..."😂He prayed with me, and said I should start writing a list of my 'dream sisterhood/order,' just like you'd write a list of what your dream man would be like. He also suggested I talk with my dad about it, who was ministering with me at this camp too.
I mentioned it to dad, and He was so happy, and I was so happy, and we were so happy and it was just such a beautiful moment! I bumped into him later on that day and he said 'I hope you don't mind, but I've already called mum and told her...'
I only learnt afterwards that it's suggested that you don't tell many people, because it could influence your discernment - you might feel pressured to follow through. But I don't regret telling my Dad! If this is going to happen, I want to have his love and support the whole way through!
Finally, on the last day of camp, my whole family came to pick us up, and Fr Kev, my mum and my dad prayed with me about this all. I wrote down two things from this time of prayer:
- Pray that you can realise your own desires but also the desires of the Holy Spirit
- Prayed for true happiness!
As if I needed any more encouragement that this was definitely God speaking to me, that was it! Only He could orchestrate something so perfectly! Only He could plan a way for me hear a call to Religious Life exactly around Vocation Sunday!
So, if you're still with me after that loooong explanation...that was my beginning!
I'm aware that this call to Religious Life is different for every single person. So if you haven't experienced something like this, that is totally OK! It could be a clear word from the Lord, or something someone says to you. It could be a time of prayer, or someone you meet who plants this seed in you. Or something entirely different!
Rest assured that God works in His own time, in His own perfect way, and He knows exactly what we need and when. If you've felt a call, or you're not sure yet, just trust in Him!
I'll leave you with this verse that I love
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