This is Where My Peace Comes From

Stuck inside during Level 4 lockdown again, looking for things to do...

So, hello again! 

I should be in Australia, staying with the MGL sisters right now. But nope, borders were closed and flights were cancelled. 

Plan B - I should be finishing up an SFC retreat weekend at Forest Lakes and getting ready to head to Tyburn Monastery, Ngakuru for an entire week of quiet prayer and reflection. But nope, Delta escaped and we went into a Level 4 lockdown last week. 

I should be at a Discernment Retreat in Featherston next weekend, but nope, even if we're out of lockdown by then, it has been canceled. 

Mainly just putting this here so in future I can look
back and remember how crazy these times were!

I should be stressed out about the future, having finally set things in motion, (even booking flights to Australia!) only to have all my plans dashed. I should be panicking!

But nope. Throughout this whole time, I have felt so deeply rooted in peace. 

I have to say, this is definitely not anything of my own doing! My brain is working extra hard, telling me all the things I could be doing, all I'm missing out on, how uncertain everything is, how disappointed I should be etc...

But despite it all, deep down, I'm at peace.  

Where does this peace come from? It comes from being reminded, time and time again, that I have a God who knows what He's doing, and who can take even the most confusing, frustrating things, and use them for good! 

I mean, just look at the ways He's pulled through for me in this year alone!

He has taken the painful realisation that I don't believe I am loved, and brought healing through vulnerability, opening my eyes this year to greater friendship and love than I've never allowed myself to accept before! That voice in my head analysing every single person's words and interactions with me, choosing to twist everything to confirm my unloveableness, is all but non-existent now 🙌 

He has taught me the beauty of vulnerability in a world that idolises independence and silent struggle; reaffirmed my inherent beauty in a society that limits and labels.

He has made me aware of my motive for ministering out of a desire to be loved, and taught me so much about His love for me and about my own undeniable loveableness. Now my ministry is motivated not by a desire to be loved, not even by a desire to share His love, but simply by an understanding that I am so, so loved, and allowing that to flow into everything I do. 

He has allowed me to sink into burnout & confusion so that I might learn the importance of self-care and surrender. I've been forced (/lovingly nudged) to return to childlike simplicity in order to be who I was created to be. Having to really get back to basics - simple things like eating three meals a day, sleeping well, getting fresh air, and reading a book or drawing or playing the flute. And surrendering, walking on my Father's feet, trusting He knows best. 

He's helped me to embrace and voice my feelings and attractions, not squash or deny them.

He has brought my desire for perfection and control to light, and helped me realise that when I'm so focused on what's imperfect or out of my control, I miss the beauty in the little things, I miss the many times when things go right!

I can testify to the fact that every single one of these beautiful truths began with pain, confusion and frustration. But I can also testify that looking back, light and love and truth triumphed EVERY SINGLE TIME! Even Jesus's life reflects this truth. Without the Crucifixion, there would have been no grounds for the Resurrection to have happened right? Well, each of these learnings this year have begun with crucifixion - with dying to self as I've recognised unhealthy habits, beliefs and traits - but they have all paved the way for so much life and new growth! I am stronger and so much more authentically me because I have been through this. 

So, that is where my peace comes from. Yes, it's hard right now. Cancellations, discernment & big life decisions seemingly halted, uncertainty about next week let alone next year. But I know, without a doubt that there is a reason for this chaos. 

God knows what He is doing, and we will come out of this time stronger and more alive than ever.