Being in the World, Not of it

NZ is now in Covid Alert Level 2 (can't read that without hearing the 'this is a Covid-19 announcement' voice that's been popping up all over our media like we're in an apocalyptic movie or something 😅). 

This means life has returned to almost normal - I'm working back at school, shops are open again (with added safety procedures), strangers are a little less likely to cross the road to avoid you, and I can see my friends and family again. In fact, today we only have one active case!
And I went to Mass for the first time in about 10 weeks, on Pentecost Sunday! I'd like it say it was a beautiful blessed moment, but I hadn't really prepared my heart to receive Jesus, plus it was 8am and I was half asleep, and it wasn't my own parish (sadly only two parishes in Wellington were offering Mass this weekend with a 100 person cut off).

It has been a big shock to the system - especially as an introvert who's become very comfortable with only interacting with my flatmates, working from home and sticking to my bubble. 

I spent one day at work at St Cath's and my body crashed and I had to take two days off (cause of Covid even a slightly sore throat means you have to stay at home). This, coupled with some old high school lies and insecurities which were brought up in my first Spiritual Direction session with Sr Rachel (which I'm sure I'll write about more in another blog post), meant that it was a mentally draining first week back out 'in the world' and I was already missing being in lockdown. 

I've just spent Queen's Birthday weekend away with a couple of friends in Whanganui - which I thought would be relaxing, but was actually exhausting! 

Anyway...to summarise all I've been struggling with lately, here are a few things that have been running through my mind:

1. My old insecurities and the lies I was lead to believe at high school still affect me and my ministry today.
2. I keep trying to disown the part of me that is quiet, shy, awkward and second guessing. But I should embrace it! It's every bit a part of this masterpiece of me ('me-sterpiece'??) as all the good bits.
3. I'm really struggling to feel like I belong anywhere. Even this long weekend away with friends was a struggle.
4. I know I'm made for more, made for Heaven - and I just want to be there now! I don't want to live so ordinarily. I want to live life to the full now! It's exhausting settling for less when I know more exists.  

Today, after some persistent nudging from the Spirit, I finally sat down in my PJ's (at 11am...) to pray and reflect on how I'm really doing. And it got me thinking about this question: 

 

I sat there in silence feeling overwhelmed by it all, despite having tried to surrender. I pictured Mamma Mary and Jesus on either side of me, holding my hands, consoling me. We talked about my insecurities. I told them how I feel like I don't fit in here, like I'm made for more - made for Heaven - and I just want to live there now!

Jesus gently reminded me that I am made to be in this world, not of it. So the fact I feel this way means I'm doing well!

Here's what I wrote in my prayer journal next;

I just want to live extra ordinarily now! I don't want to be tied down to a job, to having to earn an income to live, to feeling like I'm living, but not to the full! I want to live life to the full now! I want to abandon all to follow Him now! I know it is possible - I experienced it when I joined Mission Team. Lord, I am in a ministry job where I get to share your love and your light by your presence (at least I hope I do that!). I am living at a Catholic flat where I'm supported in my faith. I have a stable income and can visit my family often.  I am blessed!! This is a comfortable life. But I'm not comfortable with settling for this comfortableness. So how can I live this year to the fullest Lord?? You know me best. How can I be making the most of my now while I wait for the next leap of faith you are calling me to?

And here was His reply (yes, He does reply if you truly listen - or in this case for me, write!);

Love. My life was lived to the full because I gave it fully out of love for every single person I encountered. You can make he most out of life now, by loving now. Love yourself, love how perfectly I created you. Love your flatmates and serve them as I did my followers and friends. Love your students and try to see in them what I see. Love your family and help them to see what it means to love me most. Love your life, even the mundane everyday. Do you think I always enjoyed the task the Father had given me? Teaching those I knew would never listen. Being betrayed or doubted or denied by my closest friends. Living every moment knowing I was moving ever closer to my passion? Life isn't meant to be easy darling. If it were, no one would look forward to Heaven! But life isn't meant to be loveless. You know it's true! You can't live without love. Help others come to grow in that knowledge as they see my love in you. As they see me in you, since I AM LOVE. And I know you are struggling to experience that love yourself on earth. But rest in the knowledge that I am always with you. I am love. And only my love can truly satisfy. Let me be enough for you.  

Could easily just end here...

But another beautiful God-incidence - today's readings lined up perfectly with what I had just reflected on!

Check them out:

• 2 Peter 3:12-18  
• Psalm 60
• Alleluia - Ephesians 1:17-18
• Mark 12:13-17

  
  

So...although it's a constant battle, because the world is like a magnet trying to suck us in, and we may desire Heaven in all it's fullness but we are still human and weak nonetheless - it truly is better to be in the world not of it. And all I can do is keep moving forward, keep loving and keep hoping for what is to come. 

Perfect love casts out all fear. Do not be afraid, I am always near.