Weak Proudly 🎵
God answers prayers!!
Just read over my previous post which was very spur of the moment, and so much has changed since then! I'm feeling a lot more at peace with loving and serving the Lord to the best of my ability in the place He has planted me this year.
Over lockdown I've been participating in a weekly 'Quarantine Retreat' series with Jimmy Mitchell (Founder of LoveGood) called 'Let Beauty Speak.'
You know when you pick up a Spiritual Book and finally read the next chapter after you've just left it sitting there for months? And what you read perfectly fits what you're going through in life right now? Well every single week of these retreats have been like that for me! The one on 'Friendship' coincided with a time when I was really battling with thoughts about authentic friendship. 'Leisure' was so helpful during lockdown when I had so much time to fill. I watched the retreat on the principle of 'Work' in the exact week NZ moved down a level and I started back at work etc...
Anyway, last week they switched it up with a livestream concert with Jillian Edwards, explaining and performing her brand new album 'Meadow.' I'd never heard of her before, but IT WAS AMAZING!! The whole thing was great, but I particularly loved her song 'Weak Proudly.' It has become my new theme song...I've been humming it to myself daily!
Check it out below 😊
And again, it was just exactly what I needed to hear right now.
My mind was buzzing with those old high school insecurities, telling me I could never do well in my job as a youth minister.
I sat down and journalled this (based on the days first reading from 2 Timothy 1:1-12 😍):
Lord, the fact that I feel inadequate and incapable right now is a good thing. It means I rely totally on your power to pull me through, to lead me as I go out and spread the Good News at St Cath's today. It means I acknowledge how you call me not according to my works but to your own purpose, and because of your great grace (friendship). I am not worthy of this calling but with your help I am capable of achieving it. Spirit of fear and doubt leave in the Name of Jesus Christ! Spirit of love, power and self-discipline fill me up in the Name of Jesus Christ! Let me not be afraid or ashamed of my faith or of who you created me to be (shyness and all!). Let me instead be empowered and unashamed, inflamed with your love, as I go out today. I love you Lord. Let your love shine to me and through me. AMEN!
Wow!!! [Disclaimer: my journalling is not always like this 😅 usually it's just me reflecting on the daily scripture, listing all the struggles of my day and then falling asleep...]
I drove to school singing 'Your strength lies inside my weakness...so I'll be weak proudly' all hyped for a great day!
And my day was pretty terrible...although I did get to go to Adoration for the first time in aaaagess!!
I've been doing a lot of cross stitching and crocheting lately, and in Adoration, I pictured myself as a messed up, tangled ball of string. God was gently untangling me by His touch, and stitching me together into a beautiful beating heart tapestry. I realised I can only really see the mess, but He can see the finished product. And yes it's a little painful being poked with a needle in on myself again and again...but the end result/seeing it emerge is so beautiful and worth the pain!
Well, that day I just felt like a tangled mess of string which seemed impossible to unravel and make anything beautiful from.
But over the past week, God has been doing just that!
I've spoken with the DRS at St Cath's about my struggles with figuring out where I fit in at the college. We talked about things we can do to help me feel even more comfortable in my role.
We rearranged my timetable entirely, so now - although it is outside my comfort zone! - I am in the staff room more, as well as joining in students classes, and continuing my lunchtime activities.
My favourite day at work would probably be Friday's, because I now join in Yr 9 PE classes (I bet them at line tag the other day) and also run a lunchtime faith-based activity. Last week we played the Mystery Box game and talked about how the Trinity is not a mystery to be solved, but a mystery of love to be entered into.
I had a pretty blah, negative weekend, where I got to the point of introvertedness where I just couldn't handle being around anyone, and needed space to myself to recharge. Which is fine! But I felt bad for avoiding my flat mates all weekend. So a couple of days ago I explained to them why I was so absent.
My week has been very up and down...but I have been 'weak proudly!'
I have acknowledged my weaknesses, and been vulnerable and honest with others about them too. I've stared them in the face as I've pushed myself further out of my comfort zone. I didn't shy from my weaknesses and try to ignore them or find ways around them. I was proud of them.
And as a result, I feel so much more at peace with this role God has placed me in. I love going to work each day. I'm finding ways to grow in love and grow into more of who God created me to be through this role. As mentioned in this evenings weekly retreat, my "Identity is found when I give myself away in love." I have been giving myself in love much more this past week! Love calls me to go deeper, to get outside of my comfort zone, to give with others in mind, not myself. And it's in loving that I grow most!
So basically...God truly does answer prayers! And be 'weak proudly' because His strength truly does lie in our weaknesses.
🎵 All of a sudden I’m proud of the emptiness inside me 🎵Proud of the way you fill me upAll the better if I’m at the end of myselfthe end of myself and I need youAll the better if I don’t know where I amOther than your handsyour strength lies inside my weakness🎵 So I’ll be weak, proudly 🎵
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