These past couple of weeks have been such a beautiful time of self-discovery.
I think being at Tyburn re-ignited something in me, and I was re-focused for whatever would come.
Battlefields ⚔️
This year I have really been perfecting the art of saying 'No,' and last week I said no yet again.
There was the opportunity for me to run the Sacramental Programme at St Cath's for all year groups by taking students out of their RE classes. This totaled at least 7 classes a week (7 hours), and while I went along with it at first, I eventually realised that actually for myself, my sanity and my role as a Youth Minister. this was not the best use of my time (especially considering I only work 20hrs a week!).
I'm surprised by how quickly I said no - I have definitely improved since the start of the year!
But I wrestled with this decision all night in my mind.
Have I let students and staff down?
By saying no am I letting myself be less of a vessel for God?
Have I changed how people view my role at the college because I turned this opportunity down?
Did I only say no because I didn't trust God enough to believe I was capable of preparing and running so many sessions?
I prayed about it, cause if I made the right decision why wasn't I feeling peaceful about it?? I journaled Jesus' response to me:
Your mind is his battlefield. It's the only place he has any hold over you....There's a battle raging there right now. Good ideas vs. fears, truth vs. lies, freedom vs. expectation, my opinion vs. that of others...You are afraid, and that's not Me speaking, that's the enemy. That unrest you feel is not because you've made a wrong decision but because you've made a right one and the enemy is retaliating on the battlefield before it is too late to even try....You asked Me to take you captive today - I have. You sent that email [saying no] despite your fear and unrest. You persevered despite your doubt and feeling of obligation. And I will use this decision for My glory...this battle in your head is ceasing, yes? Truth always wins!...Also darling, just because you know we've made the right decision doesn't mean you won't ever be afraid! I call you out upon the waters. Your feet have failed - it's naturally terrifying! But keep your head held high...I am enough OK? And I fight for you. And I always win. I know what I'm doing. We're in this together. Just keep going!
Lessons learnt:
- Fear has a way of making you believe things you wouldn't normally
- Just because you know you've made the right decision doesn't mean you won't be afraid
- My mind is a battlefield, but the wars already won!! ⚔️
Butterflies 🦋
Along the same lines, a few days ago when there was another mind battle going on, I randomly felt the urge to pick up 'Interior Castle' [yes I know I have already not kept to my weekly book study promise...I'm trying my best!].
I flicked to a random page in the Sixth Mansions, and it said:
"Although on the one hand she seems to be feeling great interior security, especially when alone with God, on the other hand she is in great distress, for she is afraid that the devil may be going to deceive her so that she will offend Him for Whom she has such love...Oh poor little butterfly, bound by so many fetters, which prevent you from flying whithersoever you will! Have pity on her, my God; and dispose things so that she may be able to do something towards fulfilling her desires to Thy honour and glory..."
I love the image of a butterfly, because it has come up in prayer a lot for me, and is kind of like a representative of me and my Spiritual life. For example, when I was on Mission Team in Christchurch, I had been a caterpillar in a cocoon, but now was emerging as a beautiful butterfly, as more of who God created me to be. So when I flicked to this page I knew it was meant for me!
I was reminded of a butterfly again when I sat in the chapel reflecting during a youth minsters retreat last weekend. I drew this beautiful masterpiece 😅
This represents everything worldly that I am distracted by - work, food, clothes, what people think of me, the weather, the state of our planet, time etc...I guess, using St Teresa's words, all the fetters that bind me!
And then this is the other side of the butterfly:
This is how God sees me. He knows all the mess and distractions and fetters holding me back. But He looks past all that, and simply loves me. He can't help but love me, and nothing I do or don't do will ever change that!
Lessons learnt:
- A bit like Mary and Martha, what matters most is not the 'doing,' but simply the 'being!'
- God is madly in love with me, no matter what!
- I was created to be a beautiful butterfly, free to be me without a care in the world, knowing my God takes care of me 🦋
Mountain Climbs 🏔
At the youth ministers retreat, Fr James Lyons gave a session titled 'Mountains.' He spoke about how we often hear about important 'mountain moments' in the Bible - for example Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son on Mt Horeb, Moses received the 10 Commandments on Mt Sinai, Jesus' Passion began on the Mount of Olives, and ended on Golgotha. But what we forget is that the first mountain they actually had to face was themselves. Abraham had to consider losing his only son, who he had longed for for so long. Moses had a speech impediment and had to choose to go and face Pharoah. Surely even Jesus wrestled with Himself in the Garden of Eden as He prayed for this cup to pass Him by.
Fr James spoke about how our lives are like an iceberg. The living is done on the part of ourself that is visible to the whole world. But there is so much more to us than that! Like the treasure hidden in a field or the pearl of great price, it's what's beneath the surface or hidden from the rest of the world that is the greatest treasure. And the hardest mountain we have to climb during our lifetime is the climb we take to bring the truest, deepest version of ourself to the surface.
This resonated so deeply with me, as I really do feel like the world only sees a tiny part of me, and I'm diving deeper in self discovery, but it is a hard journey bringing that all up to the surface too! I want people to see the truest version of me - but at the same time I'm still digging that treasure up for myself.
As we reflected on this session, I journaled this:
"Lord, I'm slowly conquering the mountain of myself.
But the climb is downwards instead of up. I'm climbing down into the deepest parts of myself, the hidden parts, the parts I'm ashamed of and the parts I never let anyone else see. But also the parts the world has suppressed, the parts busyness overwhelm, expectations squash and reality shatters. And then there are the beautifully broken parts, the parts of the masterpiece of me, the parts where you reside most closely. I'm climbing down into the deepest parts of me - a journey of loss, loneliness and pain, but also a journey of love, restoration and hope. I am slowly conquering the mountain of myself.
And one day, You'll come and flip it upside down, and I'll find that I was really climbing upward all along - and I've finally reached the top."
Lessons learnt:
- I am not alone in the painful and beautiful journey of self discovery
- It's OK if I'm not always the truest version of myself
- 🎵It's the cliiiimb🎵 🏔
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