From Darkness to Light 🌞 Hearts Aflame 2021
Hearts Aflame last year (check out the last part of this blog post for a recap of that experience) lead to a year of saying 'no.' I realised it wasn't healthy to be spread so thinly across so many different ministries, and learnt the importance of (and how hard it is!) saying 'no.' Someone said it so well at Hearts this year:
"The quality of your yes often depends on the quantity of your no's."
And then COVID19 came along and joined the fun by enforcing a 'no' in every aspect of life! I guess it was actually a blessing in disguise as it helped me refocus and do something productive with all my newfound spare time.
Well, at Hearts Aflame this year, God revealed to me why He nudged me to say 'no' last year.
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| Hearts Aflame 2021 Participants |
I call it 'living in my head.'
I have had many friendships where I ended up feeling like I was just being used. For my brains, my ministry ability and even my body (don't worry, not in a physical way, but I was more affected emotionally/mentally). Well, maybe not 'many' friendships, but the result of a few hurtful friendships left me very cautious and slow to trust. Not only was I trying to be someone I thought everyone else wanted me to be because of my experience in high school, and as a result hiding parts of the real me; now I was also left believing that even this version of me was not enough. Basically, God pointed out to me that I did not believe I was loved (again thanks God - really easing me into it aren't you!😅)
This was day two of Hearts Aflame. It made the next few days pretty difficult as I was left pondering this and wanting answers immediately, yet not getting them! Thanks God for revealing this to me...now what??
I thought a lot about this 'living in my head' thing. Because I believed I was not loved, my mind was constantly analysing everyone's interactions and conversations with me, using them to prove how unloved I was (e.g. you weren't invited to this = they don't love you). Not only that but I was also over-analysing every single thought, word and action of my own. If I say/do this they'll think this of me! Why did I say/do that? Why can't I be more like that person? Anyway...long story short, IT IS EXHAUSTING!
My two years in Christchurch were amazing (although challenging at times!), and I started to feel completely like the 'real me,' as I discovered a love for Youth Ministry and many other hidden talents God had gifted me with. And I knew coming back to Wellington was the right next step, but it was so hard! I had changed, but the people back home hadn't seen that change and I felt myself falling back into the old me. As a result, I threw myself into different ministries. That's what I'd done in Chch where I felt so comfortable and authentically me - so if I replicated that in Welly I'll feel fine right? I'll be me. I'll feel loved! WRONG.
This is something that's taken me two years to realise (but I guess has been a lie about 10yrs or so in the making!) so this is the very first time I'm putting it into words. But at Hearts I realised my motive for ministering was to feel loved. I did it to feel like I was loved and accepted just as I was. Which I guess isn't such a bad thing, but that, coupled with the voices in my head telling me no one loved me, were not a good combo and so no matter what happened in the various ministries I was a part of, I rarely ever felt 100% me, totally loved and accepted.
Hence why, at Hearts Aflame 2020, God led me to step back, to say 'no' to these various ministries. I didn't understand why at the time. 2020 was a year of discovering who I was, outside of school, family, and especially ministry. I realised that I am more than just what I do and I got to discover more of what makes me me!
Leading into Hearts Aflame 2021. Day 2, God dropped this bombshell on me - how I don't believe I am loved. And looking back now, I can see that it was truly perfectly timed. If He'd revealed this all to me at Hearts last year I wouldn't have managed it very well....it's a lot to take in! So first He was like, "Teresa, it's time to take a step back," as He knew just the act of saying 'no' to things would be exhausting and challenging for me! And then He was like "Teresa, this is why you needed to say 'no.' This is the lie you believe, and I'm telling you now because you're ready to say 'yes' again, but for the right reasons this time." (He didn't actually say that, I'm just summarising!)
At Hearts, I was able to share all this with my beautiful small group during the Catholic Cafe (Women's Session) one night.
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Team Suzy - My Small Group 😍 |
The theme of Hearts Aflame was 'Rejoicing in the Cross,' and the topic for the night was 'suffering.' I opened up for the first time about all this and was able to voice it all out loud. I was also blessed to journey alongside two of my flatmates at Hearts, so that night we had the deepest D&M I think I've ever had. Rain's first words in response were 'I love you' and I broke down crying. WOW...words thrown around so often in the world today, but it was so, so healing to hear them that night. I knew she meant them. And I knew I was loved.
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| Light night chats - we look exhausted cause we are 😅 |
I think things have really changed now, as I get back into 'normal' life (still have to face the challenge of work but we'll take it all one day at a time!). I can feel myself being more authentically me. I catch myself analysing what I'm about to do and totally ignore that and do/say things anyway. I've gone from blaming others for making me feel unloved through their words and actions, to assuming the best of them and instead 'blaming' my mind - realising that this lie is deeply rooted there and is nobody elses fault! Whenever I feel myself falling into fear or doubt again, I stop, journal/pray, and ask God to reveal the truth to me to combat this lie.
For example, when I noticed one of my friends seemed to pay way more attention to their convo with someone else than with me and I started getting jealous and doubtful, I stopped and realised that my voice is valid and valued too. Just because they aren't listening to me right now doesn't mean they don't love me (and also it's such a stupid lie cause they couldn't even listen to me right then anyway because I wasn't even saying anything...see the tricky works of the devil). I've started a 'truth wall' in my room, where I have attached truths like this, and also notes of affirmation and love from others, to constantly remind me that I AM LOVED.
It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight that I didn't even know I had been carrying around for years and years.
And yeah, in the moment God revealed all this to me I was pretty mad. I wanted solutions then and there, not overwhelmedness!
But funnily enough, the night after I got home from Hearts, I was sitting in bed reading back over my prayer journal, and this is what I wrote on Day 1:
"This year all my Wellington friends have come...I don't know why that impacts me so much but it does. Something in my mind tells me if they're around I can't be myself. Which is a total lie! Help me find the cause and solution Lord...I want to be totally free to be me always! Regardless of who surrounds me....I would like to GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND INTO GOD'S HEART. Living in my head is exhausting! Also, at last Hearts I realised I needed to say 'no' to some things so it has been a year of 'no's' (Covid helped that too!). This year, this Hearts I want to know more clearly what exactly I should say 'yes' to again in this new year. Oh Jesus, I surrender myself to You. Take care of everything."
That was Day 1. Day 2 God dropped the bombshell of truth. Day 5 I voiced it all during the Women's Session. Day 6 we had healing Adoration and I approached Jesus asking Him to heal my mind! Day 8 we had a beautiful time of Praise & Worship (I was helping lead) where I felt completely out of my head, and in God's heart. And by the time we headed home I was feeling completely myself, even around my Wellington friends, ready to go back home and approach life with a new mindset, surrounded by friends I now knew loved me. It will still be journey - but the first step is simply bringing the darkness to the light 🌞
Moral of the story: be careful what you pray for!
And don't be mad at God for working in you. I was at first, but turns out I asked for it!
I'll leave you with this nugget of truth my flatmate shared with me (from the author of a beautiful book called 'The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and the Horse' - you should check it out sometime!).
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