This Is Me!🎶

Sorry (not sorry)...bombarding this blog with tonnes of posts, but writing is lifegiving and my retreat at Tyburn brought that out of me again. 😍

For the MGL Enquirers Programme session three, one question I had to reflect on was: 

What is your experience of being His chosen one and the call He has placed on your life?

I thought I'd share my response with you here too, as I've shared my discernment journey so far, but not actually my life in general! So....This is me in a nutshell 🙂 (just a nutshell - there is much more about me I could tell!).

I know I was chosen from before I was even born. My mum likes to remind me of the scripture:

I could have died before, during or after birth – at the time my mum had a brain tumor, and I had a blocked intestine so I went into surgery when I was only three hours old. But God had a plan and a purpose for my life. 🙂

School and high school were pretty normal, I struggled with bullying and peer pressure to conform. As a result, I lost track of who I really was and my identity in Christ. I became quiet, introverted, shy, and too afraid to speak up and just be me. But in 2012 when I was 13, my parents made me go to a camp called Jesus 4 Real, and it turned my life around. I was in an environment where I was accepted from the get-go, and I encountered Adoration for the first time – which left me in tears, then uncontrollable laughter. Life didn’t change much after that, but that joy and the knowledge that I was loved and chosen by God no matter what remained. I went back to camp every year after, and lead, despite my introverted nature.

I survived high school, graduated as DUX in 2016, and was ready to study Radiation Therapy. But in December that year I found out I hadn’t been accepted into the course. It was a stressful time. I had no Plan B - this was what I’d been aiming for for the last 5 years. 

But one door closes, another door opens! At the time, we were camping with family friends. One of them told me about a Mission Team she coordinated in the South Island, and it just sat right with me. I prayed about it, applied, was interviewed in her tent the next day, and within a week had packed up my life and moved to Christchurch. I had no idea what to expect, but even when I arrived and was the only girl at the time, alongside four guys, which was a little terrifying! - I just knew in my heart that I was in the right place.  

Mission Team 2018 (I'm in the middle)

That year was amazing and life changing! I discovered a call God had placed on my heart to serve – in particular, to serve young people. I could help give them that tiny glimpse of His love which I so desperately craved when I was in high school. I learnt so much about myself, and just how much I was capable of with God by my side. Being such a shy, quiet, introverted person, from the outside it would seem like what I did was impossible! In my mind it was, but in my heart, and with God it was not! I lead worship, MCed retreats and camps, gave talks and testimonies, and even acted (which I vowed I would never do!). I enjoyed it so much I felt like I had more to give, and so stayed for a second year. I had found my niche, and the place where I really felt like I belonged and could truly be myself.  

In 2019, I decided it was time to move back to my hometown of Wellington and to take what I’d learnt back home. It was very difficult! Leaving the comfortableness of Christchurch and the community there, to go back to a town where I had really struggled to be myself, and where no one really knew the growth I had been through the last two years. 2019 was a difficult year, figuring out where I fit in, settling in to ‘everyday’ life, and filling the gap that Mission Team left through pilling up ministries unhealthily…I thought that because I had done 2 years of full time ministry, I could manage so many ministries here too! Looking back now I can see that God was still using this time, and in my refusal to settle for the ‘everyday’/the desire for mission that remained, He was using this time to fire me up for the future!

This year (as I've mentioned in another blog post) I stepped back from all the ministries I was previously involved in so I could focus on myself and my relationship with God. My faith was very revolved around giving and serving, which is not a bad thing. But I realised I had no time to simply be - to be still, to receive, to just be me. At the end of 2019, our diocese started advertising new ‘Tuakana’ (elder brother/sister) roles in some of our Catholic colleges. And while it took me a while to notice it, I realised that this was what God had called me back to Wellington for. This fit so well with my call to serve young people, to help give them that tiny glimpse of His love. And not just for a day like on Mission Team, but for a whole year (maybe more!). This year has been a time of growing in self-knowledge (lockdown helped with that as I couldn’t go and socialise or get involved in ministry again). I am learning to be more in tune with and overcome my weaknesses, and learning more about the gifts and talents God has given me. I have more free time for prayer, and I can’t keep avoiding everything by rushing off to whatever ministry is on that evening like I used to. 

God knew this would all happen before I was even born. And He knows what’s gonna happen next! Looking back at what’s happened in the last few years, I’m excited to see where He takes me. 😊