Confused 🤷‍♀️

I haven’t posted much lately. It’s a tough season!

I had the worst burnout I’ve ever had a couple of weeks ago (and no exaggeration, the worst two days of my life!), and it’s taken a while to build back up from it. Even now, right now I’m sitting at Petone beach, taking time away, doing nothing ministry related, trying to relax and just be.

I think one word to sum up the season I’m going through right now would be ‘confused.’

Confused as to why I felt so called to all these different ministries this year, yet still burnt out so badly.

Confused as to how even though I have been socializing with such amazing and lifegiving new communities and friends, I still depleted my social battery, worse than ever before.

Confused about what Vocation I’m called to, when my heart was so set on Religious Life and is now so undone.

And mostly just confused as to what the heck God is doing with all this confusion!

 

I journaled this a couple of days ago (after I’d escaped to Starbucks to read and have a sugar dose);

It’s inspired by Fr Mark Toups video reflection for week 5 of Lent & titled 'Burn the Ships.'

 

You’re digging deeper & deeper.

You’re revealing the innermost parts of me

The parts I hide and squash

The parts I can’t even recall myself.

 

You’re molding me into your original masterpiece

Hammering and chiseling away

Precise yet painful

Meaningful yet hidden till the big reveal at the end

 

You’re bringing darkness to light

Shame caught in the headlights

Frozen

Unable to run, unsure how to react

 

You’re burning the ships

Removing security

The things I escape to when it all gets too much

The places I run to when the truth is almost up.

 

The end result is good.

The well gushing life

The stunning masterpiece

The dazzling light without darkness

The battle won.

 

But while I’m in the fight,

Still being struck and dug

Still art in progress

Still caught in the headlights

It just hurts.

 

The end result is good

But right now I just ache.

 

I want to see the end so I know what you’re working towards

But that would spoil the surprise.

 

Help me be content with just living in the now.

Help.


Argh…yep that’s me in a nutshell right now. Confused.

I’m only human. And I just want answers right now. But I just have to wait and surrender and trust.

I know God works all things out for my good and His glory. Even this. 

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