The Thorn in My Flesh

 In a recent reading of the day, St Paul writes (2 Corinthians 12):  

“…a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.” 

I’ve been getting very caught up with a ‘thorn in my flesh’ lately. While the above image is a little uncomfortable, it illustrates this point well! 

St Paul boasts of his weaknesses, so here’s one of mine: 

I am a perfectionist. I like to have everything worked out well in advance, and achieved to the very best possible standard. I like knowing what’s coming up and how I can prepare for it so I can remain in control.  

That’s a bit of an issue when you have a God who isn’t a fan of comfort zones and likes chucking us in the deep end! I know He'd never give us more than we can handle, and being challenged simply makes us rely on him even more, which I’m grateful for. I would definitely not be the person I am today without the Lords promptings to do crazy new things! But when those sudden nudges come, when my comfort zone is shattered, knowing I can handle it doesn’t mean it’s any easier to embrace 😅 

(I should also clarify, we always have a choice! When I say God likes ‘chucking us in the deep end,’ I don’t mean He just comes up behind us and pushes and we have no choice but to fall in. It’s more of a mutual agreement – God asks for permission first before He gently nudges us over the edge, or He gives us all the preparation and encouragement we need to take that step ourselves. When I felt the nudge to join the Mission Team in Christchurch I could easily have said no. God would have respected that decision, and simply worked with whatever I ended up choosing to do. He doesn’t abandon us just because we don’t allow Him to nudge us into the deep!) 

Anyway…back to being a perfectionist. 

Jan/Feb this year, life was pretty perfect, I had come off Hearts Aflame summer school, I’d made some great new friends, was getting involved with ministry again and loving me job at St Catherine’s. I had a good routine, was moving towards visiting the MGLs, had purpose and drive, and was just genuinely loving life and living it to the full. My need for perfection and control was satisfied.   

Then the world caught up with me. This year I have the privilege of coordinating a monthly worship event called XLT (eXaLT). Suddenly there were many things that I wanted to be perfect, but a lot that I couldn’t control. Enter….stress. My brain was constantly caught up in worry about the fact this wasn’t going to be as perfect as I envisioned. There were things outside of my control that I so desperately wanted to control. Add a little (/a lot!) confusion around my Vocation in the form of a guy I really liked, plus students at work sharing some really deep personal things with me, which woke up things in my own past…I was a mess! Everything was not perfect, and I felt so out of control.  

And I think that pretty much sums up my year so far! There have been some really great moments, beautiful conversations and a lot of learning and growth. But I’m finding it harder and harder to stay in those moments, to remember the joy, as life wraps me up in busyness and I wrestle with this thorn, this need to control and reach perfection.  

‘Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me…’ 

I want and pray so badly for this thorn to leave me or for the pain it causes to lessen. I guess it’s a great trait to have sometimes, but when it causes me to focus much more on the things that are out of my control, or the way life is not perfect, I miss the beautiful things in life, I forget the good, I stop living in the now.  

I’m sick and tired of living this way. I’m over the roller coaster of ups and downs, and getting stuck in the downs a lot more than reveling in the ups. But my way of fixing everything has been unhealthy. I’ve been manically clinging to tasks I can control until things are as perfect as humanly possible – often meaning I work longer hours or take work home for no pressing reason. I lie awake going over my to do list rather than going over the joy’s and blessings of my day. I let my obsession with this thorn make me less present to the students and people around me each day. I have not embraced this weakness, this thorn, in the graceful way St Paul did. I’ve done all I can to increase the pain, twisting it more deeply into my flesh, choosing to revel in the hurt rather than embrace and love it into a more healthy existence.   

‘But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.”’ 

The last XLT event we had was all about this scripture verse, and how we are strongest when we are at our weakest. I gave the talk. Funny that even though I have reflected on this so much lately, and know of its truth, I still struggle to believe it in my daily life!  

When things don’t go my way, when they seem out of my control, rather than panic and try wrestle them back into order, I should surrender and trust that God is in control. He’s already working everything out in His perfect way. I don’t know how many priests will turn up to XLT? Surrender and trust. Our prayer team pulled out last minute? Surrender and trust. One of the girls at school just came into my office in tears? Surrender and trust. I was so set on the MGLs and now I’ve met this great guy and I can’t wholeheartedly pursue Religious Life right now? Surrender and trust.  

When life isn’t perfect, when I make a hot cup of tea and add a spoonful of salt? Relax, laugh it off, try again. When I’m late for everything because I’m trying to make sure I have the perfect outfit and all that I need for the day ahead? Breathe. Remember you have a God who clothes the flowers. Move forward. When I only get to the Adoration chapel 5 minutes before I need to go and catch a bus? Relax and be thankful for those 5 minutes.  

All these little things, if I stop stressing and embrace the thorn, allow for the Lords power to shine through!  

Who provided a chance for us to pray over one another, so we could hear words and prayers we wouldn’t have otherwise? Who helped me catch the bus right on time? Who gave me a friend who went out of her way to buy me something for my outfit? Who gave me the right words to say to a crying girl? Who allowed me to laugh with my mum as we got lost following Google Maps? Who lead me to photograph so many beautiful moments at party because my social battery drove me to hide behind a camera?  

“…for power is made perfect in weakness. I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.”  

I am a perfectionist, and I like to have everything under control. This means that when things aren’t under control, I surrender and trust the Lord to take care of everything. And when life isn’t perfect, I am even more grateful for the little things in life, and I learn to look past the imperfect to the good. (OK so I’m still working on all of this…but step one is embracing the fact it is a struggle!).  

Jesus, you had literal thorns driven into Your flesh! Yet You never lost focus on the Father, on a God who's power is made perfect in our weakness. You were at Your weakest on that cross, in that tomb. Yet through your passion and death we see God’s power at it’s greatest as He raises You to life again. My little thorn is nothing compared to what You went through. But I have the same, powerful God. Help me to surrender and trust and allow this thorn, this weakness to be a vessel for Your power.  

Amen.  

P.S. I'm sure I've shared this before, but I'm loving this song by Jillian Edwards 😍