My Pentecost 🔥

It’s been a season of growth and healing.  

I haven’t posted much lately because my discernment seemed to have hit a brick wall (although that doesn’t mean I ever stopped discerning). I was so certain of what the future held, and then all of a sudden, I wasn’t anymore. It was confusing! It hurt, it led me on a bit of a downward spiral.   

Yet there’s been so much bought to light because of this season. I’ve learned to trust without seeing the whole picture. Love regardless of reciprocation. Surrender even though I like being in control. I’ve learned that no season is ever wasted and God truly does know what He’s doing (although this is something I guess I’ll just have to keep learning over and over again!).  

I don’t know who’s subscribed to my blog yet, or who will see this post! But here’s an honest update on the last few months. (Note: the majority of this blog post is a mash-up of brain dumps I had intended to publish back in May but never got round to until now!)

After Hearts Aflame in January, I was on fire and ready to visit the MGL’s in Australia this year, then all going well, join next year. I finally felt at peace about never having been in a relationship and yet entering Religious Life. I was finally content in letting God’s love suffice, knowing I did not need another person to ‘complete’ me. I truly believed I was complete just as I am. 

But God loves curveballs (or as a friend I spoke to recently said; ‘The Lord loves His plot twists!’). And just when the path ahead was becoming very obvious and clear, I met a boy.  

I spent the first week denying that I had any feelings for him. I was gonna become a nun so nope, no way could I feel this way about anyone other than God. So, sorry guy I like, but even if there was ever any potential, I’m just gonna shut this down right now before it can go any further.  

Well, that went down well. I had a very difficult and confusing week because I definitely felt attracted to this person, but I REFUSED to let myself feel anything towards him. That’s like going ‘I’m angry with this person for doing this thing, but if I act like I’m not angry, or suppress the anger I’ll get over it right?’ Wrong. However, It did lead me to realise that even before I felt called to Religious Life, this has always been the way I’ve dealt with attraction. I would tell myself that feeling attracted towards someone was a bad thing. I would deny it and suppress it, and sure, eventually those feelings fade away (generally I hardly ever see the person I like anyway, so that helps!). But this is not a healthy way of dealing with attraction! It’s natural, it’s a part of being human. God knows that – He created us this way. So why do I choose to reject, not embrace such a natural part of me? 

Learning number one of this season: when I am attracted to someone, I need to acknowledge and accept that attraction, not squash or suppress it! 

Even if I'm gonna become a Religious Sister, suppressing my femininity and sexuality is absolutely not a healthy way to deal with attraction (which will certainly happen no matter what Vocation I enter into). 

I just want to state now (and this is also based on discussion with other young women discerning and in Religious Life, not just my own experience): 

Ladies (and men) if you think that becoming Religious magically means you will never ever be attracted to anyone other than God again...please address this lie instantly. It's a myth that needs to be busted!  

Anyway back to my life...it’s crazy how God orchestrates these things, but everything seemed to hit its peak on Pentecost Sunday a few weeks ago. Pentecost Sunday was the day I finally talked with the guy I liked about how I was feeling, and was able to gain clarity and leave full of peace. 

Upon reflection, those days leading up to Pentecost would have been hard and painful and confusing for the disciples - just as the last few months have often been for me. Think about it, these guys have been journeying alongside the Messiah for three years. Jesus just achieved His greatest display of omnipotence by coming back from the dead. And then He leaves. Sure He promises even greater things, He promises to send a helper and guide. But your divine best friend just ups and leaves. All while His most recent feat has caused an uproar as people begin to deny what He did and persecute you for following Him or continuing to tell the world the Good News.  

Those days leading up to Pentecost must have been hard. You can understand why the disciples were huddled in a room together behind locked doors! 

To enter into a time of renewal, of 'birth,' there is often a time of waiting and growing and suffering and uncertainty that leads up to it. But we know that Pentecost, the coming of the Holy Spirit, happens. I know that the season of confusion and waiting I have just been through was not pointless or wasted. It gave me new clarity and new strength as I move forward in my discernment journey. I am not disappointed or hurt in any way that there will never be anything more between me and the guy I liked. I am proud of myself and in awe of the Spirit that gave me the courage and power to be vulnerable and honest with this guy about how I felt (believe me it's a HUGE step and something I never ever thought I'd do! I do not talk to males....and if I do it's super awkward and ends quickly!). 

I am now taking steps towards Religious Life again, with greater clarity and peace, and a deeper understanding of exactly what I'd be giving up. While the waiting and confusion were difficult, my Pentecost was worth it all!

Plus a lot of deep thought and art has come out of this season. The below was written during a time of Adoration on May 27th, as I reflected on the way the world has lead me to be ashamed of my sexuality, and afraid to love.

In living you can’t avoid the cross. I know a lot of the struggles I’ve been through are just a part of life – they prove I’m still living! But the world has a lot to answer for. I can choose to allow myself to conform to the world, to be overwhelmed by its weight. Or I can allow myself to be transformed by God who is love, and choose to turn to Him in my weakness and let Him carry me, His helpless little child. 

Dear World, 

You have had your grip on me for far too long.  

You gripped my mentality, tugged at my heart. Shoved things in my sight so I felt not enough.  

You told lies till I believed they were truth, made me think friendship meant just being used.  

You spat at my self-worth, shattered my pride. 

You lead me to trust and then turned a blind eye.  

You made me feel like I needed something more, yet if I was not full, I was doing something wrong. 

 You have had your grip on me for far too long.   

Dear Love,  

Even though I am lost I am never too far gone.  

You constantly light up the darkest of nights, fight for my clarity, treasure my heart.  

You wipe out lies with beauty, goodness, and truth, wrap me in friendship of agape not use. 

You restore my self-worth, stitch up my pride. 

You lead me to trust without always knowing why.  

You fill that void in me that longs for something more, in the world but not of it, worthy, not wrong. 

Even though I am lost I am never too far gone.  

Dear Love, thank you for catching me whenever I fall.