Concerning Discerning

View from my window that helped inspire the poem below Grey clouds, clouded mind   Waking up, yet not alive  Full of the unfinished   Not possibility   Trying to think   Yet struggling to see  Wet roads, damp soul  Forgetting the good, holding the cold  Come so far   But so far to go  Capable of greatness  But stuck in the low    Warm room, safe space  Place of rest, change of pace  Clinging to You  But running free  That’s where I  Long to be  Clouded mind, open heart  Damp soul, still a spark  Warm room  Safe space  Till I see You  Face to face. It’s interesting that in my confusion and brokenness and imperfection, I can still be such a powerful force for the good. Even in my battle with the bad, with negativity, with greyness, I can still be on the path to greatness.   I long for perfection and control, but those moments where ever...

It’s been a season of growth and healing.   I haven’t posted much lately because my discernment seemed to have hit a brick wall (although that doesn’t mean I ever stopped discerning). I was so certain of what the future held, and then all of a sudden, I wasn’t anymore. It was confusing! It hurt, it led me on a bit of a downward spiral.    Yet there’s been so much bought to light because of this season. I’ve learned to trust without seeing the whole picture. Love regardless of reciprocation. Surrender even though I like being in control. I’ve learned that no season is ever wasted and God truly does know what He’s doing (although this is something I guess I’ll just have to keep learning over and over again!).   I don’t know who’s subscribed to my blog yet, or who will see this post! But here’s an honest update on the last few months. (N ote: the majority of this blog post is a mash-up of brain dumps I had intended to publish back in May but never got round to...

 In a recent reading of the day, St Paul writes (2 Corinthians 12):   “…a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated.”  I’ve been getting very caught up with a ‘thorn in my flesh’ lately. While the above image is a little uncomfortable, it illustrates this point well!  St Paul boasts of his weaknesses, so here’s one of mine:  I am a perfectionist. I like to have everything worked out well in advance, and achieved to the very best possible standard. I like knowing what’s coming up and how I can prepare for it so I can remain in control.   That’s a bit of an issue when you have a God who isn’t a fan of comfort zones and likes chucking us in the deep end! I know He'd never give us more than we can handle, and being challenged simply makes us rely on him even more, which I’m grateful for. I would definitely not be the person I am today without the Lords promptings to do crazy new things! But whe...

This blog post was originally published under the title below by Evangelion, a new movement with a mission of evangelising New Zealand. Check it out here:  https://www.evangelion.co.nz/ True Beauty & the Three Transcendentals Have you ever seen an ugly depiction of Mother Mary?   Probably not.  Was Mary beautiful?  In terms of physical appearance who knows. We obviously have no photos taken or portraits painted by the original disciples to prove her beauty! For all we know (no offense Mary) Mother Mary could have been the ugliest young teenage girl in all of Nazareth.  But was Mary beautiful?  Yes. Without a doubt, yes!   Why? Because beauty is so much more than just outward appearance. Note: The above section was not included in the Evangelion blog due to it's questionable theological correctness. As a priest said; "Being made by God we are beautiful, ugliness or imperfection is the effect of sin! Mary being Immaculate and not having ori...

  Chapter 2 Spiritual Sweetness vs. Spiritual Consolation Sweetness Source in us, ends in God Like a basin filled by our own action “the water…comes from a long distance, by means of numerous conduits and through human skill…” “…produced by meditation. It reaches us by way of the thoughts; and when at last, by means of our own efforts, it comes, the satisfaction which it brings to the soul fills the basin, but in doing so makes a noise…” Consolation Source in God, ends in us  Like a basin made at the source “…has been constructed at the very source of the water and fills without making any noise…the water is flowing all time.” “..the source, which is God, and, when it is His Majesty’s will and He is pleased to grant us some supernatural favour, it’s coming is accompanied by the greatest peace and quietness and sweetness within ourselves."  Water (consolation) overflows through every mansion until it can’t help but affect the body too (which is why we say consolation 'ends...

This blog post was originally published by Evangelion, a new movement with a mission of evangelising New Zealand. Check it out here:  https://www.evangelion.co.nz/ Who likes being vulnerable? Who likes sharing their secret struggles with another trusted person, opening up about their weaknesses, failures, insecurities, deepest desires, mistakes or hurts? Who likes exposing themselves to possible ridicule, judgement, shame or rejection?  I bet you’re all saying ‘me, me, me!’   For so many years, I have secretly struggled, feeling so alone and isolated. Not because no one cared or understood, but because I was too afraid to open up and to allow someone else to come alongside me in my brokenness.   As I was reflecting recently, we live in a world that says ‘vulnerability is weakness, weakness is shameful and shame is deserved.’ We’re taught to not say a word about our struggles because we’re meant to be perfect right? We’re meant to live up to this impossible ...

I haven’t posted much lately. It’s a tough season! I had the worst burnout I’ve ever had a couple of weeks ago (and no exaggeration, the worst two days of my life!), and it’s taken a while to build back up from it. Even now, right now I’m sitting at Petone beach, taking time away, doing nothing ministry related, trying to relax and just be. I think one word to sum up the season I’m going through right now would be ‘ confused .’ Confused as to why I felt so called to all these different ministries this year, yet still burnt out so badly. Confused as to how even though I have been socializing with such amazing and lifegiving new communities and friends, I still depleted my social battery, worse than ever before. Confused about what Vocation I’m called to, when my heart was so set on Religious Life and is now so undone. And mostly just confused as to what the heck God is doing with all this confusion!   I journaled this a couple of days ago (after I’d escaped to Starbucks ...